


Cassandra Morgan Series

by BarbaQChilton



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Case solving, F/M, Flirting, Gen, Jealous Sonny, Office Sex, Smut, im bad at tags, its just a train wreck of emotions, she has a crush on Barba isnt it obvious, why wont she notice Sonnys affection for her
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-22 23:43:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6097798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarbaQChilton/pseuds/BarbaQChilton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>New SVU member Cassandra Morgan is just trying to fit into her new squad. A transfer from LA to big NYC, she's feeling lost, lonely and confused. Can she handle the big changes she has made? And can she overcome her own past of abuse, and fear of relationships with the help of the team?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hi. I'm Detective Cassandra Morgan

**Author's Note:**

> I know this chapter is short. I just got an idea in my head, and started typing. Hope you guys enjoy this wild ride. :)
> 
> EDIT: Okay so, it's a slow burn. But i promise angst, smut, fluff and drama. Get ready, kids.

"Finn, Rollins, you two go back to the victim's family and see if they can remember anything new that can help us. Carisi, try calling around and see if any of their past employers have any more useful info. We need something solid to nail Hendricks. He's good for this, I know it."

The team nodded and exited Benson's office to do their jobs, leaving Detective Cassandra Morgan watching her Lieutenant rub at her temples, glancing down at her desk.

"Liv? Is there anything I can do?"

Olivia Benson looked up at her and shook her head. "I'm sorry Cassandra, I don't mean to count you out of things, I'm just so used to the way our team runs, and this case.." She waved her hand over the cluttered paperwork on her desk.

"I understand." 

Cassandra had just joined the team a few weeks prior to the case, and was still getting used to everything. Her teammates were friendly towards her, and she was accepted quickly, but still felt out of place most of the time. She had moved to New York from LA and didn't have anybody outside of work to talk to. In fact, she moved for the sole purpose of getting away from the people she previously knew, even her past team members..but she decided to keep that to herself for the time being.

Olivia sighed and ran her hand over a hefty folder full of papers regarding the current case- a rape murder of a young girl. "I have to take these papers over to Barba and see if there's anything he can see that we aren't."

The case was a tough one, they had a number one suspect, Carl Hendricks, a smug local politician, who all but admitted to the crime, but without perfect evidence, he was going to walk. They had already tried to take the case to court, but Barba told the team, unless they had sufficient evidence he wasn't interested. 

Rafael Barba was a whole new story. Cassandra found him to be an arrogant asshole, yet she was thoroughly impressed with his courtroom performance. The first time she saw him in action, he managed to get the suspect on the stand, to break down and admit to the rape of the victim. She remembered how Barba turned on his heels towards everyone with a smug smirk as the suspect sat appalled at the words that had came from their own mouth.

"I-I'll do it. I mean, I can take that for you." Cassandra said sounding more eager than she would've liked. 

Olivia must've noticed, because she paused for a moment before asking,"Are you sure?" But Olivia looked exhausted, and honestly hoped the young detective could take care of it.

"Yeah, it's no problem. I'll just take a lunch break, drop it off, and come back to see if Carisi needs any help." 

She smiled warmly and Olivia nodded handing her the folder. Cassandra did want to be helpful after all, and there wasn't much else to do. It surely wasn't just because she wanted to see Barba, by any means.

 

Cassandra arrived at the DA's office and was told to go on in, by the secretary. She knocked on Barba's office door frame, despite his door being wide open. 

Rafael Barba sat at his desk with his legs propped up, a packet of papers in his lap. Flipping the page with one hand, his other hand mindlessly picking at a powdered donut that sat next to a coffee mug. His eyes flickered over to the doorway when he heard the knock, but he didn't react otherwise.

Cassandra nervously walked into the office and held up the folder. She stood a few feet from the desk, while he just seemed to glare up at her.

"Liv asked me to bring this. Uh, well I offered. It's about the case. She thought you could find something we missed." She silently scolded herself for sounding stupid in front of him.

He cocked an eyebrow at the mention of Benson's name, and rubbed his fingers above the donut to get the sugar off then reached his hand out. "I'll take a look."

Cassandra moved forward and handed it to him, running a glance over his outfit. He was wearing a dark gray vest with a red tie, his matching black suit jacket hung over the back of his chair. Barba's fashion sense was the first thing she noticed about him, the day she was introduced to him. When she wasn’t working at the precinct, she was usually sitting in bed sketching clothing, and hairstyles. The way Barba looked, definitely sparked a sort of creative inspiration in her mind. She couldn’t think of any other person she knew that could dress so well. Then again, she didn’t know too many people that could afford to, either. She must've been staring for a while because he cleared his throat and brought her attention back.

"Was there..something else I could help you with?" He asked slightly clenching his jaw.

"Oh. No. Sorry. I'll..just..go. Thanks.  
"  
She stood for another moment before turning to walk out. 

As she reached the doorway, Rafael called out,"Oh and, Detective.."

She turned to look at him. "..have a nice day." He smirked and put a piece of doughnut into his mouth, making sure to make a popping sound when he pulled his fingers out.

Cassandra blushed and stuttered a ‘you,too” before walking out. 

_What the fuck was that about?_ She thought. Whatever it was, it was..sexy..?

 

She found herself thinking about it her whole lunch hour. Even spacing off when a street vendor tried asking what she wanted on her hot dog. Cassandra wasn’t generally a shy person, but for some reason everything about Barba threw her off completely. She had never met someone with his level of snark, and intelligence, and she couldn’t decide if she was simply fascinated by him, or..attracted to him. She definitely wasn’t one for relationships, especially since she wasn’t over her last relationship as much as she pretended she was.

It had been emotionally, and physically abusive, which, might have been the exact reason transferring to SVU interested her so much to begin with. She had ended it two years ago, but the extent of it still damaged her, and left her untrusting of people, especially men. The one thing she was thankful for from that relationship though, was learning her own self worth, and promising herself she wouldn’t waste her time with another man unless he knew her worth, too.

 

She finally made it back to the precinct, and saw Carisi slam the office phone down and shake his head. Cassandra walked over and set a brown bag on Carisi’s desk, and his face lit up.

“Brought you a cannoli from your favorite shop. Figured you hadn’t gotten out to eat yet.” She smiled and sat on the edge of the desk. 

“Hey, thanks Cass! Nah, I’ve been stuck here the whole time.” Carisi dipped into the bag and grabbed the cannoli, taking a huge bite. Cassandra looked away trying not to get the image of Barba back in her mind.

“Yeah, no problem. Any news?”

He rolled his eyes,”Nothin’. Nobody has one bad thing to say about this guy. Y’know they’re all just scared of their own reputation if they try and say anything about Hendricks. That guy sure is a piece of work.” Carisi finished chewing his snack, and crumpled the bag, tossing it into a bin a few feet away. 

Carisi was the one member in the squad that she bonded with almost instantly. While everyone else seemed to get annoyed with him, she found him hilarious. He was also very friendly, and easy to talk to, which made moving into a huge new place, much simpler. They were both new to the team, and the youngest, as well. She was 28, still younger than Carisi, but they shared a lot of the same music, and food interests, and had a lot in common. She was happy that Liv seemed to pair them together often.

“Damn. We know he did it, we just got to _prove_ it. Liv had me take some things over to Barba, to see if he can spot something we missed.” Her cheeks flushed pink, and she hoped he didn’t notice.

“Yeah? What’d Barba say?” Carisi didn’t react to her blushing, and wiped his hands on his pants, before looking at her with his big,blue eyes.

“...that he’ll _take a look_ at it.” Cassandra replied with a half smile.

Carisi chuckled. “Yeah, Barba, he’s..he’ll probably get back to Liv on that. Don’t take it personally.”

Her brows furrowed, before asking, “You spend a lot of time with him don’t you? Is he always so..dismissive..with people?”

Carisi laughed again,”Uh, by spending time, do you mean I go to learn, and come out feeling twice as stupid? Barba’s just a smart guy, and he knows it. Everyone else does, too. Between you and me, I think he’s got a whole lotta ego for such a little guy, but don’t tell him I said that.” Carisi squinted his eyes into a smile. “Like I said, don’t sweat it, it’s not like you’ll have to deal with him, one on one, too often.”

Cassandra’s eyes dropped to the floor, and Carisi took notice. “You doin’ okay, Cass?”

She looked up quickly and shook her head,”Yeah. I’m fine, I just..nothing. Nevermind.”

“Ya sure?” Carisi titled his head and gave her a concerned look. Before she could answer, Benson walked out of her office in a hasty manner.

“Morgan, Carisi, I just got a call. The vic’s little sister is holding Hendrick’s at gunpoint. Finn and Rollins are on their way there. We gotta go, now.”

\---

Upon arriving on the scene, the team found themselves in front of a high end apartment, surrounded by squad cars. Men with guns ran about, to try and find a good position to take any available shot they may have. A man, who seemed to be in a position of authority came up to Olivia as the team got out of the SUV.

“What’ve we got?” Olivia asked, as he approached her.

“Vic’s younger sister has the Senator at gunpoint in the apartment. From what we know, the wife and kid are locked in a room, but safe. We have snipers on scene and will be ready to take a shot, just give me the word.

“Don’t take a shot. I’ve got this. She’s just a scared, angry young girl that wants justice for her sister. She’s not a murderer.” 

Carisi and Cassandra watched eagerly as their Lieutenant went towards the apartment to talk down the young girl. Cassandra could feel her heartbeat quicken in her chest, as she feared for Benson’s life.

A hand rested on her shoulder.” Lieutenant’ll be fine. She’s got this handled.” Carisi smiled nervously.

“That doesn’t make it any less nerve wracking.” A sarcastic female voice came from behind them. Finn and Rollins walked over holding a police radio.

Olivia’s voice rang over it, as it sounded like she made it into the apartment where the Senator was being held hostage. 

**

“Ashley, put down your weapon. Please, I know you are angry. I know you are upset-”

“You did nothing! My sister was raped. Murdered. And you’re letting him get away with it.”

The voice of Senator Hendrick’s rang out,” I didn’t do anything, you crazy bitch!”

“ _SHUTUP!_ LIAR!” Ashley’s voice yelled out, shaking in anger.

Olivia tried again to calm the girl,”Ashley, please. We aren’t going to let him get away with this. We can’t put him away without proper evidence. But this- this isn’t the way. Please, put the gun down, and we’ll bring him into the station. We’ll do this the right way.”

“NO.” Ashley replied,”Not until he admits it. Not until he tell the truth about what he did to her!”

“Admit what?! That I had sex with Sarah? Sex! Not rape! She wanted it, and that little slut was going to lie, just to blackmail me? She wouldn’t keep her mouth shut, of course I had to kill her!”

**

Sounds of a scuffle and a gunshot rang over the radio, and the team whipped out their guns ready to bombard into the apartment after their team member. Before they could, the Senator’s wife, and child ran out, Olivia following behind with Ashley crying and the Senator in cuffs.

The team ran up to the Lieutenant for answers. As the NYPD took the Senator, and the others away.

“Liv, what the hell happened??” Rollins was the first to get words out.

“He caught her off guard and tried to get the gun away, and the gun went off. No one was hurt, thank God.”  
Olivia shook her head and looked towards the NYPD fussing with the family.

“We got him, Liv. He admitted it. Everyone heard.” Finn chimed in.

“Yeah, yeah we did.” Olivia replied, not seeming completely settled, despite the victory.

Cassandra glanced nervously over at Carisi, who seemed to share her concern. 

A crazy ending, to a crazy case. Cassandra was feeling sudden doubt that her transfer was the best choice.


	2. I Question My Life Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassandra and the team work to solve a new case. The team is lead to suspects that keep pointing fingers at each other.

A week had passed since the Hendrick’s case. Cassandra found herself raising more questions than she could count on her whole situation. She didn’t regret moving to the team, but she wasn’t sure if she could handle everything that went on. For every rapist they caught, it seemed another was lucky enough, or rich enough, to get off without punishment. She couldn’t stand the thought of all those horrible people getting away with the things they were doing, and it was driving her crazy.

And here she was, sitting with Carisi, staking out a possible suspects house until they showed up for questioning. They didn’t want to leave too long for lunch, so they had brought along their sandwiches with them. She glanced over at Carisi in the driver’s seat, his focus set outside her window, as he chewed his meal.

“Hey Sonny, do you...ever feel guilty about all the people that get away with...everything.”

Carisi swallowed hard, and moved his gaze to her, his brows furrowed. “ ‘Course, Cass. Look, it would be wrong if we didn’t feel some sort of guilt, but we’re doing our part to get as many people behind bars as we can. For every one creep we catch, ten more pop up. It sucks, but it’s just part of the job.” 

“Yeah, I guess.” She replied, not feeling convinced.

“Hey, I know what you’re feeling. I was the same way when I joined the team. But look, we get the guys, and if we can’t nail them with straight evidence, we got Barba to do it in court. We’re set.” He nudged her shoulder and smiled.

Barba. There’s someone she hadn’t thought about, since that awkward moment leaving his office. She shook the thought from her head. Carisi was right, they did their best, and did what they could to make a difference. That had to mean something.

“Hey! There’s our guy, let’s go see what he knows about our vic.”

They got out of the SUV and approached the lanky, middle aged, balding man before them. He turned and looked at them nervously.

“Brett Singer? Detective’s Carisi, and Morgan. We just wanna ask you a few questions about Shannon Banks.”

 

Singer nodded awkwardly, and asked them to come into the house for discretion. The case they were working on was the murder of a young woman, who was found in an alley. SVU was involved due to the fact that there was semen found on the vics body and clothing, and signs of foul play were involved.

The detective’s entered the house and sat on a couch across from Singer. He seemed shaken, and all around awkward, which made him suspicious already. A few moments passed before he looked up at them with a forced smile.

“How can I help you, Detectives?”

Carisi exchanged a glance with Cassandra and looked back at Singer. “Mr. Singer, what can you tell us about Shannon Banks?”

“Shannon..? Well, she was a co-worker, I barely knew her.”

Cassandra noticed his eyes flick away from Carisi and back, his hand moving to the back of his head. She squinted her eyes, and continued with the questioning.

“We were told you and Mrs. Banks were in a relationship.”  
Singer gave her a bewildered look. “W-well, I mean. We went out a few times, but we knew we were coworkers and shouldn’t have any relations. We agreed to go our seperate ways. That was weeks ago, I barely spoke to her since. What’s this about? Is she in some kind of trouble? I have nothing to do with it.”

Carisi scooted to the edge of the seat, next to Cassandra. “Mr. Singer, Shannon Banks was murdered, and possibly raped in an alley, last night. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”

Singer did the opposite, and moved back in his seat, bringing a hand to his mouth. “Oh my god. Shannon’s dead? I-I had nothing to do with that, I didn’t know- You don’t think _I_ did it, do you?” 

His surprised look turned to an angry frown, and he looked Carisi in the eye.

“Look. I told her I didn’t want to be involved with a coworker, but Shannon, she had a reputation for getting involved with other employees. You want to find the one who killed her? Start with Andrew Adams. He’s our manager at the office. Last I heard, they were having an affair that his wife doesn’t know about.”

\--

Carisi and Cassandra walked into the precinct and met up with Finn, Rollins, and Benson. Carisi collapsed into his desk chair and swiveled it around to see the team.

“We just got back from questioning Singer. Didn’t have much information, except to point the finger at their boss. Andrew Adams. Says Adams and Banks were having an affair. The guy was weird.” Carisi glanced over at Cassandra waiting for her agreement.

“Yeah, he was nervous and just off. At least, until we mentioned Shannon being murdered, then he seemed to get defensive. He’s weird, but I don’t think he’s good for this.” She replied.

“I don’t either, but definitely want to come back and ask more questions later. I do think there’s something he’s not telling us. I mean, did ya see how nervous he was before we even approached him? Guy was definitely looking both ways everywhere he turned.” Carisi said with a raised eyebrow.

“Maybe the guy’s just odd.” Rollins replied, which earned an annoyed smile from Carisi.

“Still we should look into this Andrew Adams guy. A big corporate boss sleeping with his coworker? I smell blackmail, and murder there.” Finn said with a sneer.

“Now wait a minute, let’s not start trying to fit puzzle pieces before we have the whole picture. Finn, Rollins, did you guys get anything from the parents?” Olivia looked at them.  
“She was a typical hard-working, perfect daughter. No issues there. Parents are trying to understand who would want to hurt their little girl.” Rollins replied.

“Right. I need you two to find anyone else the vic might have been involved with, past employers, other family members, anything. Let’s figure out why someone would do this. Carisi, Morgan. Go chat up her boss. See if he was really involved with the vic.”

 

Cassandra and Carisi made their way into Andrew Adam’s office. He didn’t seem phased by the fact two detectives had showed up to question him about a coworkers death, at all. In fact he remained noticeably calm, as he sat behind his office desk, a thin smile on his face.

“How can I help you, detectives? Oh, god. You must be here about Shannon. I’m honestly shocked. I saw the news…devastating. She was a good employee.”

Carisi gave a soft laugh and nodded,”I can see you’re broken up, Mr Adams. Was an employee-boss relationship all you had with Miss Banks?”

Adams raised a brow, and laughed. “Of course, what kind of man do you take me for.”

_A slimy one._ Cassandra couldn’t help but think. Carisi noticed her scoff and glanced at her with a _“I know he’s a piece of crap but be professional”_ look.

“Well, Andrew, it’s just that we’ve heard different. And you being married and all...I can’t imagine you’d want a lot of people to know about that-” Carisi stopped when Adams put a hand up.

“Wait.” He called out to his assistant, a pretty, tall, thin, blonde woman who came to the office doorway. “Laura, could you shut the door? It seems we need some privacy.”

She gave a friendly smile and shut the door behind her. Adams glared over at Carisi.

“Listen. I don’t want my wife to know about this. I’ll tell you what you want to know, but really, it was just a fling. I’d like it to stay between us.”

He grew irritated and didn’t continue so Carisi nodded

“I can’t promise it won’t get out somehow Mr. Adams, but if I were you, I’d be more concerned about not getting pinned for a rape and murder.”

“Rape? She was raped?” His eyes widened and he shook his head. “I saw her last night okay, we had sex. But that’s it. She left, I left to go back home. I told my wife it was a late night at the office, and that was that.”

“So if we find your DNA..” Carisi started.

“ _Of course_ you’re going to find my DNA! Didn’t you hear me? We had sex! But I didn’t kill her! I stopped at a drive thru on the way home, ate something, and went home. My wife was there, ask her. But please, don’t mention the affair.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll be having a talk with your wife. So, Shannon wouldn’t have been trying to blackmail you at all, would she?” Carisi pressed on for more information.

“Blackmail? God, no. Shannon and I were two adults in a relationship- It wasn’t like that.”

“A relationship, like the one you’re in with your wife?” Carisi asked sarcastically.

Adams ignored Carisi’s question. “Where did you even hear this from? God, how many people know. My reputation-”

“Brett Singer told us about your affair. He was also having relations with Shannon at some time.” Cassandra chimed in.

Adams directed his gaze to her, and it turned into a baffled look. “ _Singer?_ THAT freak? Relations? You guys got it all wrong. Even I know he’s gay. Why would he tell you he was with Shannon?”

Carisi furrowed his brows and looked at Cassandra. Singer was hiding something. And they just figured it out. _Why lie about something like that, though?_ She wondered.


	3. I Put My Foot in My Mouth, and Go for Drinks. I Don't Drink.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team tries to find solid evidence in the Banks case. Detective Morgan finds herself in an odd position with a few of her co-workers, and wonders where they are leading, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of starting to hint at some possible relationships here, guys. Prep yourself for the feels.

“So you lied to us about your relationship with Shannon? Why’s that? Something to hide, huh Singer?” Carisi questioned Brett Singer.

Cassandra and Carisi had reported the information they got from Andrew Adams to Benson and the team. Only to be pointed back at Singer for more questioning, which irritated them. They wanted answers, not to be turned in a circle with nothing to show.

“I-I didn’t lie. I only saw her a few times. I told you!” Singer seemed to have reverted back to his normal, awkward state. 

“Yeah. Yeah, you didn’t lie. So why’d you send us to Adams, huh? To cover your own ass?”  
Carisi was growing more irritated with Singer, and he turned away from the man to shake his head and take a breath. His hands were on his hips, pushing his suit jacket back to reveal his badge, nestled on his belt.

Cassandra decided to step in to ease the situation’s tension. “Look, we know you lied about being with Shannon. Adams told us that you’re..that you’re gay.”

Singer looked at her with a defeated look and sat down on his couch. He put his head in his hands for a second, and looked up at her. Sonny’s expression softened and he sat down on the couch, like the first time they questioned him.

“Alright. I lied. But we _both_ lied, to everyone. Adams is a judgmental bastard, and I thought that if he knew- but I guess he does. Look, Shannon and I went on a few dates, to show other co-workers I wasn’t some creepy gay guy. I just wanted to give everyone the impression I wasn’t the freak they thought I was...but, I guess I am.”

“So why did you lie to us about it? Why did you and Shannon really ‘break it off?’” Carisi asked in a much softer tone, his eyes showing concern.

Singer looked into Sonny’s eyes for a few moments and sighed.”We stopped faking a relationship when she started sleeping with Adams. She..didn’t want people to find out and think she was a slut. She was a good person. I don’t know who would’ve killed her. So now you know. It still doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t kill her. If anyone did it, it was Adams. I’m telling you.”

 

On the way back to the base, Carisi called Liv and filled her in on the new information.

“Yeah, sounds good, Boss.” Carisi said and hung up the phone. He glanced at Cassandra for a second before looking back at the road. “Liv says to meet her at Barba’s office. We’re gonna show him what we’ve got and see if he can give us anything to go off of on this Adams guy.”

Cassandra pursed her lips trying not to show her excitement. Finally, an excuse to be around Barba.

\--

“Barba, it’s obvious Adams had something going on with the vic. He’s the only real suspect we have.” Olivia argued with Rafael as he shook his head.

Rafael walked around his desk and sat on it, Carisi and Benson flanking his sides, while Cassandra stood in front of him, arms crossed. He had an apple in his hand and took a quick bite.

“You don’t have any sufficient evidence. It’s all _he said, she said._ It’ll be thrown out of the courtroom like that.” He said with a snap of his fingers. “No, you need more. I want something solid on this guy. You think he’s good for it? Get me something to nail his ass to the wall.”

“There was semen on the victim. What if we got a warrant for his DNA at the very least, if it’s a positive match, that’s _good_ evidence, and we can use it to dig around for more. Home search, work search, anything could help us.” Cassandra said her eyes locked with Barba’s. 

He nodded and his tongue poked around the inside of his cheek, as he gave her a quick glance over. She shifted uncomfortably, feeling self conscious.

“Alright. Let’s go that route. Get his DNA, and we’ll go from there. He did say he was with the vic the night of her murder-”

“And they had sex.” Cassandra reminded him, trying not to blush.

He flicked a brow and the corner of his mouth twitched in amusement. “And they had sex. Let’s get this guy.”

The team started walking out, when Barba called out.  
“Oh, Detective Morgan. Can I talk to you a minute?”

Olivia and Carisi looked at each other but she shrugged and kept walking. Carisi put his hand on Cassandra’s shoulder and glanced at Barba,”I’ll uh..wait for you in the car.”

 

“Is there something I can do for you, Mr. Barba?” She asked, honestly confused by his sudden interest in even looking at her.

“I just wanted to say, about the last time you came in. I didn’t mean to be so dismissive.” He looked into her eyes, but she didn’t see any emotion on his face.

“It’s fine, I...you were busy. I understand.”

He smiled.”I’m always busy. It’s hard to have any social life in this work, don’t you agree?”  
She shrugged but didn’t answer, and he continued. “How are you liking New York City?”

He bit into his apple, and made a sucking sound as he drank the juice, his eyes on her the whole time. _Why did he insist on doing that? Did he mean to attempt to arouse her while he ate?_

“It’s great. I love the city.”

“Yeah? Making friends? Outside of work, I mean. I can see you’re getting close with Carisi.”

Was that.. _jealousy_ she detected?

“Outside of work..? Well..I haven’t exactly had time.” She cocked her head and gave him a questioning look. She didn’t like feeling like she was being interrogated. “Why are you asking me all this?”

He finished off his apple, threw the core in the trash next to his desk, and licked his fingers. When he didn’t answer, she cleared her throat. He sat, his legs dangling slightly above the floor, and shrugged with a smirk. “You’re the only one in the team I don’t seem to know anything about. It’s beneficial to know your coworkers, don’t you think?”

“Doesn’t seem like it benefited Adams much.”

He looked taken aback for a moment, before returning to his smug look. She just compared their professional relationship to an affair. _Good, god._ She just kept managing to look stupid in front of this man. What was it about him?

“Adams was having sex with his coworker, and may have very well murdered her. Do you think I’m that kind of man, as well, Detective Morgan?” He asked with an amused look in his eyes.

“No, I just mean- Usually if a man asks this many questions about me, I have him buy me a drink first.”   
There it goes. Her foot in her mouth again. Damn.

Barba chuckled,”How’s 8 o’clock tonight sound, Detective? Strictly professional, of course. Just two coworkers, having a drink. I can text you the address.”

What he asked didn’t even click right away,”You already have my number?”

“I’m the DA, I have everyone’s numbers.” He laughed, before his face returned to the serious look he usually had. “You better get back to your partner, Detective. Wouldn’t want him to worry.”

 

\--

Cassandra hopped into the passenger seat, and Carisi quickly shoved his phone in his pocket, which had been making beeping noises from a game he was playing.

“What took ya? I was ready to leave you to walk back to the precinct.” He joked, but she knew he really did want to know what she was doing in there.

“Barba just asked how I was doing with the team, and a few things about the case…” She felt bad lying to Sonny but she had a feeling she shouldn’t tell him exactly what they talked about, or that they were meeting later that night. Professionally. God, it’s not like he asked you out on a date. He barely knows your name.

Right? He couldn’t be interested in her, especially when the case they were working on basically screamed ‘Don’t date coworkers.’

Her phone vibrated,and Carisi didn’t press on about the situation. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and checked the text:

“Here’s the address. See you at 8

x Barba”

Her stomach flipped. “x?” Is that part of the signature or, is that “x” as in hugs and kisses, x and o’s? She scolded herself.

_Calm down. It’s just a text. He just wants to get to know you. For the sake of work._

_He probably pity's you because you said you had no friends._

_Yikes. I’m a mess._ She thought.

 

It was late in the day, and it turns out the team wouldn’t get the DNA warrant till the morning, so Carisi dropped her off at her apartment, like he did everyday. He always insisted on waiting till she got all the way up to her 5th floor apartment, and texted him that everything was clear, before driving off. She loved how sweet Sonny was, and he was her best friend so far, but he could be a little too enthusiastic about things at times. They rolled their eyes at each other so often, she wouldn’t be surprised if they stayed rolled in the back of their heads, one day.

When Carisi finally drove away, she stared out the window a few moments longer, and turned to face her living room.

_Drinks with the DA. I still don’t know what to think about that._ She barely even had interest in drinking, and now that she thought about it, she didn’t even really know any particular drink names. That is, besides her old team’s regular orders. She was always the one sipping water, or soda, while the team teased her about not wanting to 'let loose and relax.' Being the only woman on the team had been hard, and she was glad to have Rollins and Benson around in this team.

Her mind wandered to a particular night where her partner had gotten too drunk, and started getting handsy with her. She remembered how she had to push him away from her hard, and take a cab back home, alone. She shook her head of the thought, and went to the bathroom. 

She looked herself over in the mirror. She was a pretty enough girl, with her pixie cut, almost black-brunette hair, olive skin, and brown eyes. Light freckles powdered her cheeks and nose. She wasn’t the most confident young woman, but she had definitely learned to appreciate herself over the years. She didn’t even let it get to her, that she wasn’t quite stick thin, like girls were told they needed to be nowadays. 

“How am I even supposed to dress?” She asked herself in the mirror. 

She settled on dressing casual, but nothing too flashy, to remain somewhat professional. When the clock read 7:30, she walked to her apartment door, and hesitated. She looked down at herself one more time, wondering if she was wearing too much.

She wore a feminine red v neck tee, with a light, black, dress coat over it, and black dress pants to match. She didn’t want to outdo herself, and attract attention at the bar, so she hadn’t bothered to wear much makeup, aside from a simple foundation. She decided it would do, and walked out to get a cab in front of the building.

Arriving at the bar, fifteen minutes later, she stepped out into the somewhat chilly night air. She looked at her phone for the time. 7:50. What if she was too early? Or, maybe she should’ve been there earlier? How do these things even work? 

She laughed at herself for worrying over something stupid, and walked into the bar. It was fairly crowded, but no one seemed to really notice her, except for a few turned heads, as she walked in. She spotted Barba at the far end of the bar a few moments later, breathing a sigh of relief that she hadn’t shown up too early. He was still dressed in work clothes, and she wondered if he ever wore anything casual. He didn’t notice her, till she sat next to him. He had a half empty drink in front of him already, and she hoped he hadn’t been waiting too long.

“Sorry if you’ve been here awhile.” She said turning towards him, slightly with a smile.

“Not a problem, Detective, I did say 8 o'clock.” He motioned the bartender over, and asked for a Scotch for each of them.

Cassandra didn’t think to say that she wasn’t really into drinks, but she realized he might question why she even showed up then.

“So, some case we’ve got, huh?” She asked him, trying to start a conversation as the bartender set their drinks down and moved on.

“I don’t want to talk about the case.” Barba laughed. “I want to talk about you. What made you decide SVU was the right place for you?”

Cassandra took a gulp of her drink and tried not to show her disgust. She cleared her throat, and he smirked at her for a moment. “I-uh. I still haven’t decided it _is_ the right place for me, in all honesty.”

She thought for a moment, that maybe she shouldn’t have said that. She didn’t want to appear weak, but she also didn’t feel like hiding her doubt, either.

“It’s not an easy department to be in. There’s a lot to feel sorry about, but you get that a lot in this line of work.” He assured her, as he took a drink.

“Yeah, I’m learning to accept that. I’m just glad I’ve got a good partner to keep me grounded.”

“Carisi.” He nodded and ran his finger along the ring of his glass, not looking at her. “He’s a bit...enthusiastic. Are you sure, you aren’t the one keeping him grounded?” He glanced at her, his eyebrows raised.

 

“He’s a good guy. He’s smart, funny, easy to talk to..” She trailed off, not sure where she was going with this.

“Sounds more like you’re describing a potential mate, Detective.” Barba chuckled. “But I get it. You’re lonely in this city, not many people to choose from, to bond with.” 

She wasn’t sure if he was teasing her or not, but she felt offended that he was bordering insult with Carisi. “Is that why you asked me here, tonight? I must look pretty pathetic to be getting pity from someone like you, Mr Barba.” 

He smiled at her, obviously amused by her growing irritation. “No, that’s not why I asked you here. I figured you could use a night out, and someone to talk to that’s not directly involved in every case you deal with. This city’s big, sure, but not easy to find people worth socializing with. Especially when you constantly think about all the horrible things they could be hiding under their friendly smiles.”   
He finished off his new drink in a quick gulp, and set the glass down hard, causing it to clink against the bar.

“That I can agree with.” She finished her drink too, and refrained from spitting it out across the counter.The liquid burned her throat on the way down, and if Barba noticed, he didn’t react to it.

“Do me a favor, Detective-”

“Cassandra, please. Detective seems weird outside of work.”

He chuckled,” Cassandra. Don’t close yourself up to everyone. It makes the job much harder, and will come back to bite you later. Even if you have one person...that’s not your partner, to talk to. It helps.” 

She cocked her head and raised a brow. Did he mean she could talk to him? Before she could ask, his phone went off in his pocket. He pulled it out, scanned the screen and rolled his eyes. 

“I’m sorry to say, I have to cut this short.” He pulled out his wallet, set some money on the bar, and got out of his seat.

“Is everything okay?” Cassandra asked, rising from her seat.

“Just a personal matter, I’ll catch up with you another time. Remember what I said.” He replied, pulling his suit jacket over him, he nodded and made his way to the exit.

 

\--

The following few days of work were hectic. They had gotten the DNA results back, and of course, Andrew Adams’ was a positive match to the semen found on the victim. Olivia had sent Cassandra and Carisi to question the suspects wife and daughter, while Finn, and Rollins went to question Adams again.

When the team regrouped at base, they shared any new information they had gathered.

“Adams had nothing new to say, from the last time he was questioned. He still wants to pin it all on Singer.” Finn said, obviously getting annoyed from the lack of progress in the case.

“Figures. The wife and daughter didn’t have much to say. Except the wife made it clear that she didn’t know Banks personally, and her husband was home like he said.” Carisi said, sighing.

“Well, come on guys, his DNA was on the victim, he admits to the affair- to having sex with her the night she was murdered. He was the last one to see her alive, he’s the guy. There’s gotta be somethin’ “ Rollins stated, grasping for straws, to keep the team’s morale up.

“We’ve gathered all we can. The evidence is there, but no one can place him at the scene, otherwise. And with his solid alibi...I just hope Barba can find a way to nail him in court.” Benson stated, not looking as hopeful as she tried to sound.

The team nodded, and tried to return more than half assed hopefulness, with glances at each other.

 

 

\--

The court trial was a mess, even though Adams’ DNA was found on the vic, his alibi seemed pretty solid.Singer had already took the stand, as the only solid witness able to verify the affair between Adams and Banks had even taken place. Barba tried to convince the jury with a few clever questions, but the case just wasn’t budging in their direction. The team grew agitated watching it, they were so close to pinning him, just needed something more…

 

The suspects wife, Mrs. Adams was the next witness to be questioned. She took a seat at the stand and looked around the courtroom, arrogantly. Obviously angry to have to testify for her cheating husband, but there to defend him nonetheless. Mr Adams’ attorney asked her basic questions about the whereabouts of her husband the night Shannon Banks was murdered, only to be met with the same statement she gave to police multiple times. The attorney sat down, with a content look on his face, under the impression he just made his client’s innocence obvious, due to the seemingly solid alibi he had.

Barba stood in front of his table, and looked down at the folders of evidence cluttering it, deep in thought for a moment, before a look of clarity appeared on his face. Cassandra shifted excitedly next to Carisi, she knew he had something up his sleeve. _Come on, Barba. Nail this guy._

“Mrs. Adams.” Barba started as he turned to look at her. She let out a sigh, and frustration radiated off her, making the courtroom tense. 

“Mrs. Adams,” Barba continued. “Where were you again, on the night in question?”

Mrs. Adams glanced at the judge who looked back at her with no expression. “I was at home. Cooking myself dinner, and watching television. My husband called and said it would be a late night at the office, and he told me not to wait up for him.” She huffed,”As I’ve said many times.”

“Yes, I’m aware.” Barba smirked. “So, you didn’t leave your home at all that night?”

Mrs. Adams exhaled irritatedly and rolled her eyes. The suspect's attorney stood up and held a hand towards her. “Your Honor, we’ve been through this. My client’s wife was home, and so was he. Hearing the story again, won’t help Mr. Barba’s case.”

The judge glanced at Barba, and Cassandra pursed her lips. “Mr Barba…” The judge started,her eyebrows raised.

“Your Honor, bear with me. I’m just trying to clarify a few things.” Barba stated quickly.

“Tread lightly, Mr Barba.” The judge replied, and sat back in her seat. “Mrs Adams, please answer the question.”

Mrs Adams gave an incredulous look to the judge, feeling annoyed that she had to, once again, go over her story.

“Yes. I am a stay at home mother, I have very little to no reason to leave my home late at night.” She spat out.

“A stay at home mother.” Barba nodded. “Are you aware that your daughter told detectives that she stayed at a friends house that night? Leaving you home alone. Which means, no one can verify that _you_ were home that night. Much less, your husband.”

“So, my daughter goes out with her friends, big deal. I was still home.” She sneered at him.

The suspects’ attorney stood up again. “Your Honor, Mr Barba is obviously trying to badger the witness. Which of the Adams’ does he think is on trial? My client or his wife? How is this relevant?” He threw an angry look at Barba, but Barba didn’t even look at him.

Barba turned towards the judge. “It’s relevant to clarifying Mr Adams’ alibi, Your Honor.” Barba met her gaze with a confident look and she nodded.

“I’ll allow it. Get to your point, Mr Barba.”

He turned his gaze back to Mrs Adams. “So Mrs. Adams, you say you were at home the night in question, and your husband returned later that night. Which, no one can honestly verify. You also stated that your husband didn’t tell you about the affair, is that correct?”

“Well, no, he didn’t _tell_ me he was having an affair.” She replied condescendingly.

“But, you did know about it, then?” Barba pushed forward, the tension rising in the room.

Mrs Adams twitched her head to the side, and clenched her jaw. “Yes, I knew of the affair. Everyone did. My friends, my coworkers. It wasn’t exactly a secret around the office, either, I gather.” She threw an angry glance at her husband, who returned a blank stare. 

She paused for a moment, glanced down, then looked back at her husband, a wave of rage coming over her. “Yes. He was out having an affair, while I was staying home with our daughter. Pretending I didn’t know. Continuing to be the good wife I was supposed to be. Just so he can keep up an appearance at important corporate meetings, me by his side, as his _trophy_. Yeah, while I stayed home waiting for him late at night, he was out having sex with that _slut_. Of course, I knew about the affair. I’m not an idiot.” Her nostrils flared and Barba knew her thoughts would be clouded with anger.

"Those are your words, Mrs. Adams." Barba replied with an amused look. “So..you killed her. To get revenge on your husband.” He stated calmly.

“Objection! Speculation.” The other attorney hissed, trying to stop the train wreck that was about to happen.

“I’ll rephrase. _Did_ you kill her, Mrs. Adams?” Barba replied quickly, as the judge lifted a brow and eagerly looked at the witness.

 

Mrs. Adams let out a growl,” Yes! Yes, I did. I got tired of being the trophy wife. Always covering up for him, making him look good. What about my appearance? My reputation?” 

The attorney stood up, as if to object, but she continued, clearly boiling with rage. Barba stared at her smugly, as the jurors exchanged glances, and audible gasps with each other.

“I couldn’t take it anymore. When he told me he was having another late night at the office, I decided to wait outside the office and follow him. I knew exactly what kind of late night he was having. I only planned to confront the both of them, but when I followed him to her apartment… I just couldn’t get myself to go in. I couldnt- I sat there for at least an hour, trying to decide what to do, and when he left. I was so angry. But I still didn’t go to him, I just couldn’t find the words. And then she walked to the alley beside her building for a smoke. Seeing her, I lost control. Rage took over, and I..I went to her, and I killed her. I didn’t need any words. I just....grabbed her from behind, and I-I _bashed_ her head against the side of the building…. " She stopped for a moment, and suddenly looked calm. "And then she didn’t move.” 

The courtroom went into a frenzy and the judge clanged her gavel, to calm them. She ordered that the witness be taken into custody, and Mr Adams, looked clearly appalled at the scene, as his wife spat out insults to him, as he was escorted away.

Barba gathered his things in his briefcase and turned to the team, who all stood excitedly to congratulate him. 

Olivia placed a hand on his shoulder and he smiled warmly at her. “That was great Barba, you did it. I can’t believe we didn’t see it.”

“Well, it helps to have a fresh pair of eyes, outside of the team.” He replied.

Benson exchanged a few words with him, and Carisi turned to Cassandra. “Wow. I did not see that coming. I’m just glad we got the right perp. Someone had to pay for that poor girl’s murder.” He shook his head, and smiled at her, still surprised at the change of the trial.

“Yeah, that was...wow. Barba is _good._ ” Cassandra replied, unable to think of a proper word to describe him.

“ ‘Good’ is toning it down a bit, don’t you think, Detective?” 

She turned to see Barba smirking at her, and she felt Carisi tense next to her, but he patted Barba on the shoulder and walked away to leave them to talk.

“My bad, I meant amazing, no, even that doesn’t quite cut it. I’ve seen some some great attorney’s in LA, but no one like you, Mr Barba.” Cassandra smiled proudly, and shook her head in disbelief.

“You don’t have to call me Mr Barba, all the time, Cassandra.” He said leaning in closer to her face for a moment, only to pull back and give her a quick wink. “It was a good case. And now she’ll pay hard time, and we move on to other scumbags.” He said, regaining his professionalism.

“Uh, yeah.” She replied, as he walked away, not giving her a chance to say much else. She did a confused look to herself, and looked to see Carisi waiting by the courtroom door, his hands in his pockets. He nodded to Barba and said something as he walked past him.

_Barba acted so strangely. Was he flirting, or was he just being friendly?_ She often found herself very oblivious to such things, and probably over thought it more than one should. She remembered what he had said the other night at the bar.

 

She pushed the thought away and approached Carisi. “Hey, you want to go out for drinks tonight? Celebrate a little, partner?” She asked him excitedly and nudged his side with her elbow. He towered over her by nearly a foot, but she never felt intimidated by it. 

Carisi laughed and nudged her back, lightly. “I’d love too, but I promised my Ma I’d be over for dinner.” He paused for a moment, wondering if he should invite her, but thought better of it.

“Oh, no worries. Have a great time with your mom.” She smiled and whispered a farewell as his phone rang, and he answered, staying at the door while she continued on.

She exited the courthouse, and saw Barba standing on the stairs, surrounded by press as they asked him questions about the case. He brushed them off with barely any words, and pushed past the crowd, noticing her and walking in her direction.

When she was next to him, they were on the sidewalk waiting for a cab to pull up. Barba looked at her with eyebrows raised, but didn’t say anything. She glanced at him, and smiled.

“Hey, are you doing anything tonight? Maybe we can go for drinks again? I mean, we have to celebrate, and Carisi’s busy, so..”

“So I’m second choice?” He asked pretending to look offended. She started to apologize but he just put a hand up. “I’m kidding. I’m the one who won the case, after all. Of course I should celebrate.” He paused for a moment. “You...want to buy _me_ a drink?” He looked at her amusingly, trying not to smile.

“Um, yes? What, you think a woman can’t buy a man a drink? Money works the same both ways, honey.” She replied with a smirk. Feeling much more comfortable talking with him than that first time in his office.

Barba scoffed at her, but nodded. “Alright. How about...same time, same place?” 

“Sounds like a plan.” She replied, as two cabs pulled up in front of them.

They waved their goodbyes and got in the cabs. She gave the cabbie her address and sat back in her seat. She was still trying to figure out if she was trying to flirt with Barba, or just liked to give him a taste of his own sassy medicine. 

It’s not like she didn’t have fun teasing Carisi, and getting teased back in return. They had so much fun on the job, and he seemed to make the days go by quicker. In fact, she found herself questioning her decisions to transfer, less and less. Carisi was the kind of partner she could ask questions too, without being judged. She barely had any thoughts she kept to herself, anymore. Except the ones about her feelings towards Barba. 

She tilted her head, as she lost herself in thoughts. And what was with Carisi, every time Barba talked to her. The air always seemed to get tense and awkward when he’d approach her. Carisi always had good things to say about Barba, but his reactions didn’t always reflect his opinion. Maybe she should find a way to press Carisi for answers on that, sometime.

The cabbie got her attention after a few tries, and she handed him the money she owed, told him to keep the change, and exited to approach her apartment building.


	4. I Ask for Sonny Side Up, but Get Scrambled Instead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of drama. Just. Ugh.

Cassandra took the safe route, and wore something between casual and work, just as she had the previous time. She already figured Barba would probably get a call and have to leave before they even got into a conversation anyways. Walking into the bar, it seemed more packed than the last time, probably due to the crazy trial earlier, or the fact it was a Friday night.

Before she could start searching for him, a well dressed guy came up and asked her if she was looking for Barba. She nodded, and he led her to a table towards the far back corner. Barba was sitting there, texting away on his phone. Cassandra refrained from rolling her eyes when he looked up at her with a smile.  
He slid his phone back in his pocket and waved a hand over the seat across from him. “Please, sit down, Detective.” 

Cassandra definitely couldn’t hold back an eyeroll then,”Are you sure it’s worth sitting down? Or will you have to take off the second I do?” 

She understood he was a busy man, her work was the same way with her, but if he knew he may be busy, he shouldn’t have agreed to go out tonight.

He laughed at her spark of rudeness. “Actually, I just made it clear to a few associates that I am busy tonight. “ He looked at her with a challenging smile.

She sat down without apologizing, even though she felt she had been harsh. “Right. Anyways, I just want to say, congrats again on that case earlier. Seeing you in action...I just. You’re a remarkable man, Barba.”

He looked down at the table and smiled, but before he could react with some snarky remark, a waiter came up to take their drink orders.

“The usual for me.” He said looking up confidently, then glancing at her from the corner of his eye.

“I’ll just have a glass of water. I did say I’d be buying _you_ a drink, not myself.” She said meeting his gaze.

The waiter nodded and left to get their drinks. Cassandra laughed to herself, and Barba tilted his head.

“Did I miss the joke?” He asked sarcastically.

“The usual? Come here, often, Counselor?” She laughed again.

He opened his mouth to reply, and let out a breathy laugh. “Lot’s of tough cases, not many ways to blow off steam.”

His eyes didn’t leave hers, until moments later when the waiter returned setting their glasses down with a nod. This time, it was Barba who laughed to himself as he looked at her glass.

“Did _I_ miss the joke this time?” She asked, returning the sarcasm.

“I was just looking forward to you drinking another Scotch, for the sake of wanting me to believe you enjoyed drinking. That’s all.” He took a drink, continuing to stare her down.

“What? I drink. It wasn’t to try and impress you, if that’s what you’re implying.” She rolled her eyes and looked down at the table. “I don’t drink.” She sighed, “I don’t drink.” 

“Are you always this defensive, Detective?” He asked, but she didn’t reply. “Remember what I said last time we met. You can’t close yourself to everyone, and bury yourself in work, it doesn’t make your problems go way. Trust me.”

She blinked hard, to push away any sorrow, and looked up at him. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I just, I’m still so new in this city, and leaving LA didn’t mean everything that happened there...it’s something I gotta work through.” She sighed. 

She didn’t want to start spewing out her life story to him, or anyone else. The problems she had were hers, and she didn’t think anyone cared anyway. He didn’t look convinced, but decided not to press her for information.

“So,” He said, regaining his smug smile,”You think I’m ‘good.’ ‘Amazing.’ ‘Remarkable.’ Am I missing any other phrases?” He looked at her with an arched brow.

She laughed,”Yeah, you forgot ‘arrogant asshole.’” 

Barba looked away with both eyebrows raised, as if he just got slapped in the face.” Whew. Gotta admit, that one hurt a bit.” He looked back at her with a serious look on his face. “Can I share my thoughts on you, Cassandra?”

She felt confused by his sudden seriousness, but decided to respond playfully,”Well, I have a big ego myself, but uh, I don’t know if I can take too much criticism.” She forced a laugh, hoping he would just make a joke about,’being able to dish it out, but not take it,’ Though, his expression didn’t change.

“I think..” He looked down at the table and hesitated, as if searching for the right words.”You’re a beautiful, young, woman.” He glanced up at her, but her face showed no reaction, aside from furrowed brows. “I think you’re smart, and you have a lot of potential, but you hold yourself back.” 

She opened her mouth to argue, but a quick glare from him shut her up. He waited a moment before continuing, and she stared into his eyes, ready to hang on every word that were to come from him. 

“You caught my attention from the first time I saw you. I’m honestly, not quite sure what it is about you, Cassandra, but you seem to steal the spotlight every time you enter a room.” He scoffed and gave her a bittersweet smile. “I find it incredibly hard to keep my eyes off you.”

She sat silent, not sure what to say. Appearing calm on the outside, while everything inside her screamed. She had never had anyone tell her anything like this, and she didn’t even have a clue how to respond. Sure, she had had guys tell her they thought she was attractive, but a sudden confession of attraction like this? Never, in her wildest dreams. Her face expression turned to one of confusion.

_“What the fuck?”_ She blurted out, and stared at him.

He snorted a laugh,”Excuse me?” He said, slightly taken back at her random outburst.

She shook her head and blinked, before looking up at him with her brows furrowed in thought. “I’m sorry, did you just tell me you’re interested in me? Because I’m really bad at communicating on this level with other human beings, so a straightforward admission would be the best way to go.” She replied, waving her hand at him.

He stared back at her, just as confused before throwing his head back in a deep, hearty laugh. She cocked her head, not sure why he was laughing. When he finally gained his composure, he looked at her, struggling to keep a straight face.

“I’m sorry, I just really hope that’s not the way you interrogate your suspects.” He pursed his lips to hide a smile.

“What? No. Don’t avoid my question.” She said glaring at him.

He ran a hand through his hair, before putting it on the table between them. “Yes, I ‘admitted’ to taking an interest in you.”

She laughed out loud, now realizing how ridiculous she had responded. “Bet you just changed your mind, huh, Barba?”

“Rafael, please, and no. You are quite the character, Cassandra.” He smiled sweetly at her.

They stared into each other’s eyes, feeling a kind of magnetism between them. She glanced down at his hand and softly placed hers on top of his. His gaze flickered to their hands and back to her, as she started to lean in close to him. They were inches from each other before he suddenly pulled away, his hand going under the table. He turned his head away from her, and glanced around the restaurant quickly. 

“Not here.” He said, without looking at her. He pulled his hand from under the table and placed money on the table quickly, and stood up. “It’s late. I should be going.”

“Hey, wait, I said I’d pay.” She picked up the money from the table and blocked him from leaving. Pressing the money to his chest, she looked at him, slightly angry. “You’re gonna tell me something like that and then bolt out of here?”

He looked into her eyes, with a glare.”Tell the waiter to keep the change. Have a good night, Detective.” He paused as if he wanted to say more, but rolled his eyes, and pushed his way past her.

\--

 

Three days had passed since the night she went out with Rafael Barba. She had tried asking him what happened in texts multiple times, only to be ignored. She decided to just give up, and leave that night in the back of her mind. She had figured it had all been a big joke, or a heat of the moment sort of thing, anyways. What kind of man would admit to what he did and mean it, anyhow?

“Cass! Hey!” 

She snapped back to reality, and remembered she was sitting in the precinct, at her desk. Carisi was waving a hand in front of her. She looked at him, and he noticed how exhausted she looked. He looked at her, concerned and swallowed nervously.

“Hey you sure you’re okay? These last few days, you been actin’ kinda weird.” 

“Yeah, I’m just kind of out of it. This job you know...I just might not be cut out for it.” She said, glancing at the floor.

“Woah, _what?_ Hold on.” He said, crouching down to be level with her in the chair. She tried to turn it away from him, but he held the arm rests. “Hey, you’re definitely cut out for this job, Cass. That last case we had, Barba may have won the trial, but we made progress because of _you_. You’re the one that brought up getting a warrant for Adams’ DNA, we were stuck before that.”

She felt his stare burning into her,but she refused to look up. It had been sometime since she had doubted herself this much. She couldn’t believe she had gotten caught up in her attraction for someone, again. She should’ve just kept her face buried in her work, and not tried to get to know Barba, or anyone else for that matter. Having people close, always resulted in trouble. 

He placed a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, come on, Liv said we’re free the rest of the day unless something comes up anyways, whaddaya say we go for a walk?”

She wasn’t convinced, but she stood up and let him guide her out of the precinct anyways. When they stepped outside, the 3 o’ clock sun beamed down on them. They walked side by side, in silence for a few blocks. Carisi occassionally glancing at her, wanting to talk, but didn’t want to push her. He figured it would be easier to wait for her to open up, and say what had been bothering her. They walked till they reached a refreshing, green park, and they both sat on a bench, looking at strangers enjoying the sunny day. Cassandra looked over to see Sonny already looking at her.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” She said to him quickly.

“That’s fine, I won’t make you.” He replied with a sad smile. “But I’m here if you ever do, remember that. Alright, Cass?” He stared into her eyes until she nodded, and his face erupted into a smile.

Seeing his smile, she couldn’t help but laugh. He always seemed to be able to make her feel better. “Now I know why they call you ‘Sonny.’”

He laughed, and put his arm on the top of the bench behind her. “Yeah? Why’s that?”

“You always find a way to brighten my darkness.” She shrugged and looked away from him.

She really did have a soft spot for her partner, but part of her still regretted getting close to him, or anyone else from the team. Last time she did that…

He scooted closer to her, and their legs touched. “I know you don’t wanna talk about it, but what I said back at the precinct? I meant it. I really did. You’re great, Cass. You definitely fit into the team quicker than I did. I ever tell ya how hard it was to get accepted in the beginning?” He laughed again.

She thought of moving away, but didn’t want to make him feel bad. “Well. Not everyone finds your enthusiasm, enjoyable, Sonny. But, honestly? I wouldn’t have you any other way.” She looked down at her lap, and sighed. “And honestly...I think you’re the only person in this city that means it when they say they believe in me.” 

“Then those other people don’t know what they’re talking about. You’re amazing, and anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong.” 

She smiled, but didn’t look back up at him. She still had doubt eating away at her. She knew she was a good detective, but everywhere she seemed to go...disaster followed.

He hesitated a minute, not sure if now was the best time to tell her his feelings, but he couldn’t keep holding back. He lifted up her chin and turned her head to face him. Her eyes widened, as his big, blue, eyes stared dreamily at her. He smiled, but couldn’t find words to explain what he had been wanting to say to her for so long. His mouth opened, but quickly closed, and he laughed softly. Her jaw clenched, as she sat, still shocked by what he was doing. Sonny finally stopped thinking, and leaned in, placing his lips on hers,pulling her close to him with his other arm.

After a few moments of shock, she regained herself and pulled away from him. She gave him a look of distaste, and he swallowed hard.

“Hey, look, Cass, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“What the fuck are you thinking,Sonny?!” She exclaimed, her head spinning, She had gone over it a million times in her head since she left LA. Relationships meant pain. She was already mad at herself for taking an interest in Barba, now Carisi had to do this? “You are my partner. My coworker, we can’t- I can’t-”

“But you can with Barba?” He interrupted her, his face twisted in anger, and he moved away from her.

_“What?”_ She yelled at him. “What the hell are you talking about? _Barba-?”_

“I saw you two the other night, okay? At that restaurant. You and Barba? How long has that been going on? Does Liv know?” He spit out question after question as if interrogating her.

“Woah, wait! The restaurant? Were you following me?” She felt enraged, and glared at him holding back the sudden need to punch him in his face. “What happened to dinner with your mom?”

“I didn’t lie about that, okay? I did have dinner with her, just, I ate really fast.” He replied sheepishly. “Look, I went back to your place, to ask if you still wanted to go out that night, and- and I saw you leaving. So I...I just kinda followed, okay? But you and Barba? No, come on, Cass, you deserve better.” He shook his head, and his face softened, hoping she’d calm down, too.

“Oh, and who’s better? _You?_ You were stalking me.” She said, her eyes widening in anger. "And if you were there, you saw he flat out rejected me. So, I hope you're happy."

“It wasn’t like that, Cass. Hear me out. _Please._ ” He pleaded with her and went to rest a hand on her arm, but she jerked away.

“No.” She replied getting up and storming away.

“Cass, wait, come on.” He yelled at her, but remained on the bench, knowing it would make her more angry if he followed.

“Fuck off, Carisi.” She said, and turned to look at him, as she walked off. “And stay out of my personal life!”

He stayed on the bench, and held his head in his hands, not entirely sure how much damage he just did.

After leaving Sonny on the park bench, Cassandra started wondering if she knew the real reason Barba had reacted oddly that night, and now ignored her texts. She got a cab ride to the DA’s office, and rushed in. Rafael’s secretary sat at her desk, and looked up quickly when she practically burst through the building’s doors.

“Can I help you, Detective Morgan? Did you have a meeting with Mr. Barba? I don’t see anything on his sched-” She started but Barba’s office door opened and he looked taken aback at seeing Cassandra.

“Detective. I was wondering if you’d show up. Carmen, why don’t you take off early? I believe my schedule for the rest of the day is clear?” 

His secretary nodded, and started to gather her things. When she started to walk to the exit she wished them both a good day, and left. Everyone seemed to know that when Rafael Barba asked you to do something, you do it, and you do it quickly. He stared at her blankly for a moment, and turned to enter his office again, without a word. 

She followed after him and he shut the door behind them. She walked to the front of his desk, and turned glaring at him by the doorway, only to be returned with his usual smug look. 

“Is there something you need to say, Detective?” He asked without emotion.

“Yeah, you left the other night because you saw Carisi watching us, didn’t you?” She asked angrily.

He poked the inside of his cheek with his tongue. “If that were the case, then you should know why. You would know that anything between us can’t be known by your partner, or any other coworker.” 

He paused, and she kept glaring at him. Amusement showed on his face for a split second before he regained his seriousness. “A secret relationship between a Detective and the DA could be...scandalous. Almost, dangerous, in a sense, to have. Thrilling, even.” He took a few steps and stood in front of her.

Her heartbeat seemed to quicken with each word, and she suddenly lunged for him, throwing her arms around his shoulders, and kissing him hard. He kissed her back, and pushed her onto the desk, knocking over some of his files, and other things. They kissed sloppily, and she pushed off his suit jacket, grabbing his tie, pulling him closer to her. Rafael grinded his body against hers, and she could feel his erection growing in his pants. Her face grew hot, and part of her told her to run out of the office, without looking back. _This is such a bad idea._ She thought, but at this point, she didn’t even care about the possible damage that could happen, anymore.

He pulled away from their kiss and stopped her, as she reached at his pants. Looking into her eyes, his face stern. “Are you sure you want to do this? We can stop, and you can walk out of here. It’ll be like none of this ever happened.”

She bit her lip, and he swallowed nervously. “Rafael, stopping is the last thing on my mind right now.” She ignored her mind telling her no, and decided to let herself indulge in her emotions, and lust for him. 

She reached again to unbutton his pants, but he grabbed her wrist, and pressed her hand against his throbbing erection, with a smirk. She breathed in sharply, and her heartbeat quickened, once more. She felt it could burst out of her chest at any moment. He leaned in, close to her neck, and bit it gently. “Let me show you what I’ve been wanting to do to you, since the first time you came to my office,alone.” He whispered into her ear. 

Her mind flicked back to the time she had brought the files to his office, for Liv, and he had popped his fingers out of his mouth. She let out a breathy moan, just thinking about what he had planned. He reached down, and unbuttoned her pants, and proceeded to pull them off of her. He cupped a hand over her groin and rubbed her for a moment, before gently sliding her panties down her legs, and letting them drop to the floor. He looked at her, half naked on his desk, and smirked, growling lustfully.

He ran two fingers over her slick entrance and slid them inside her. Cassandra moaned, and kissed him again, pushing her tongue in his mouth, as he finger fucked her. She grinded her pelvis against his hand, and his palm rubbed against her clit, another moan escaping from her. He pulled away from her again, and got on his knees in front of her, looking up with a glint of mischief in his green eyes. He kept his fingers thrusting in and out of her and moved his mouth to her clit, his warm breath sending a shiver through her. He licked slowly at her, not breaking eye contact, and she whimpered longingly. He began sucking roughly at her clit, and she laced her fingers through his hair, and pulled his face closer to her body. Her body began to tremble as he worked at her with his mouth and fingers, and she couldn’t help but throw her head back as an orgasm rushed through her. She moaned loudly, and was glad Rafael had asked his secretary to leave.

He stood up and put his soaked fingers in his mouth, popping them out, with a smirk as he had done that day in the office. She was breathing heavy, trying to blink away the fuzziness as her orgasm left her. She looked down to see he had unzipped his pants, and had been rubbing himself while he had been eating her out. She licked her lips, as he leaned in close to her face, and she felt him rub the head of his cock on her inner thigh. 

“Are you sure you want this? I won’t ask again.” He was staring into her, seductively, and she knew he was asking more for his own lustful benefit, knowing she wouldn’t turn back now.

“Yes, please, Rafael.” Cassandra nodded, embarrassed by how desperate she sounded, but she couldn’t help herself. She was so turned on by him, it was getting hard to breath. He pressed his forehead against hers, and moaned as he slipped himself inside her. His eyes closed, and his mouth dropped open, as he started to thrust into her repeatedly. She put a hand on his cheek, and he opened his eyes into a lustful glare. Swallowing hard, he gripped his hands on her hips, as she wrapped her legs around his waist, and he pounded into her, harder. 

“God, I’ve wanted you for so long. I can’t even explain why, I just needed to have you.” He looked at her, and she bit her lip. “Fuck. Please don’t look at me like that.” He breathed out a moan, and pulled her body to the edge of the desk, pressing himself closer with every thrust. 

She reached to undo his tie, and leaned in to bite his neck. He tensed for a moment, but relaxed when she moved down to his shirt collar. She unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt, and started sucking on his collarbone. A moan rumbled in his throat, and he thrust deep into her. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and buried her face in his chest, as she clenched around him. His steady pace, and grunting pushed her into another orgasm, and she felt him explode inside of her.

After a few moments, of catching their breath, he moved away from her, and smirked, sweat running down his forehead. She smiled back at him, and bit her lip again. He cocked his head as he zipped up his pants. “ Didn’t I say not to look at me like that? Nevermind, I can see now that you aren’t always one to follow rules.” He chuckled.

She hopped off his desk and slid on her clothes, feeling uncomfortable, and wanting to go to the bathroom to clean herself off. “Uh, is there a place I can, you know?”

“Ah, yes. Right down the hall.” He replied.

As she turned to walk out, he stepped in front of her, and kissed her on the lips quickly. She raised a brow, when he pulled away. 

“I just don’t want you to think it was just- sorry. Go ahead to the bathroom.”

She giggled at his red cheeks and he shook his head, as she exited.

She cleaned herself up in the bathroom and pulled out her phone.

10 missed calls, and 15 texts from Carisi, ranging from “sorry, can we talk?” to “Call me. PLEASE.” and the classic,”I’m an asshole.”

She sighed. She loved Carisi, but it was different from what she felt about Barba. Carisi was her best friend, and partner...not lover.

When she exited the bathroom, Rafael was standing by the entrance of the building with his coat on, checking on his phone. He looked up at her and smiled.   
“It’s getting kind of late, I thought I’d help you get a cab home.”

“I guess you and I won’t be going to the same home, tonight?” She asked, feeling disappointed.

“...You know that can’t happen.” He replied, with a stern look.

She nodded, and they stepped outside into the cold night air.

Carisi stepped out of the shadows, with his arms crossed, and Cassandra gasped, feeling Rafael tense next to her.

“I didn’t wanna believe it, but somehow I knew you’d come here, Cass.” His face showed disgust, and he shook his head in anger and disbelief. “You came to be with him? Even after-?”

He was angry and confused. Maybe he hadn’t said it in words, but he tried to show her with the kiss that he loved her. He didn’t understand why she didn’t see it.

“What are you implying, Detective?” Barba spoke up, irritatedly.

“You know damn well what I’m implying, Barba. Don’t act like you didn’t know how I felt about her. Do you even actually care about her? Or was this some sort of contest with me?” He questioned him angrily, and Cassandra glance over at Rafael, whose expression hadn’t changed.

“Watch your tone, Detective. I have a lot of pull in this industry, and you don’t want to test my patience.” Rafael replied.

They stared angrily at each other, and Carisi finally looked away. “Look, Cass, I’m not gonna say anything. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, but this- This is a mistake.”

He turned with a pained look, and walked away, Barba’s stern gaze following him.

Cassandra stood there, trying to piece together the parts that had just been thrown at her. Did Barba know that Carisi had a thing for her? Did Barba only go after her, because of that? Or did he actually like her, like he said? 

All the doubts she had when she first transferred came rushing back, and she swallowed back the lump that had formed in her throat.


	5. I Roll Like a Rollins Stone…Into a State of Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *UGLY SOBBING*

Cassandra’s eyes flew open at the sound of her alarm clock. It was one of the first days in a long time that she hadn’t woken before it. She sat up, rubbing her eyes, waiting for her heart to stop pounding.

The following night had been intense, and full of drama. Her least favorite thing, especially if it intertwined with work. After the confrontation with Sonny, she had decided to just walk home, instead of taking a cab. Partially because she wanted to breathe in fresh air, and partially because cabs were getting to be quite expensive. Luckily, she lived within blocks of work and anywhere else she needed to go. So, she did her best to avoid the subway. She was used to big cities, but public transportation was a whole other thing.

She looked at her cell phone, and sighed. No calls or texts, from Sonny nor Barba. She didn’t know what she was expecting, but she had hoped to wake up to something. Despite being in a city inhabited by millions of people, she continued to feel alone.

She still wasn’t sure of Barba’s intentions. She thought she had been, that is, until Sonny raised some questions. She grabbed some clothes out of her closet and hastily got ready for work. 

On the short walk to the precinct, she grabbed coffee for herself and Sonny. She knew he would be mad at her, but since they had to speak at work, she thought she’d give him something to say she was sorry.

Walking into work, she noticed Liv’s office closed with Rollins and Fin inside. She wondered if it had to do with a new case. Most of the cases they had had this week were fairly minor and easily solved. Sonny sat at his desk, scribbling away at some papers, his face in deep concentration. She hesitated a moment before inhaling a big breath and walking up to him.

She sighed lightly when he didn’t look up. “I-uh- got you a coffee. It’s pretty early, I didn’t think everyone would be so busy already.”

“It is a job,y’know. Busy is part of working.” He looked up at her, and she noticed his eyes lacked the usual gleam of light they usually had. She knew he barely got any sleep, and she swallowed nervously.

“I’m sorry.” She held out the coffee to him, and he took it, only to set it on the desk corner.

She looked at the papers he was writing on, it looked like some kind of essay outline. Her heart sunk. He was working on schoolwork, which Barba usually helped with. Did she drive a wedge between them? She figured he had been up most of the night working on it.

“I got you something else.” She reached into her shoulder bag, and pulled out the brown paper bag from the bakery, and set it on the desk. “Your favorite.” 

He let his pencil drop to the paper and he sighed. Looking at her with a sad smile, he shook his head. “A way to a man’s heart isn’t always through his stomach, Cass.” 

She looked down at the floor to escape his sad look. “I know. I’m just..sorry. I wish you could understand my choices.”

“Me too.” He replied going back to his work.

LIv’s office door opened, with Rollins and Fin stepping out. 

“Hey, any news on the case?” Cassandra asked them, trying to seem normal.

“We were right the boyfriend did it.” Fin replied.

“We _think_ we’re right.” Rollins said playfully rolling her eyes at him. “Gotta head over to Barba and ask for a warrant, then go ask the victim's best friend a few questions.”

“Well, hey. I’ll go get the warrant from Barba. I’m not doing anything here. You guys can even do the fun job of questioning.” Cassandra joked.

“Uh, sure. Thanks. Morning’s been slow, I’m ready to get some entertainment.” Rollins said, with a raised brow, and a glance at Fin.

Fin nodded and smirked at Carisi, who had looked up at them at the mention of Barba. “She brang you coffee and breakfast again? Why don’t you two get a room, already?” 

Carisi’s jaw tightened and he glanced at the floor, and then at Cassandra. “Nah, she’s already on her way to a room with Barba.”

Fin’s eyebrows raised, and Rollin’s tilted her head, brows furrowed.

Cassandra couldn’t take him anymore, and forgot about being in the middle of a busy precinct. “What the hell is your problem?” She spit out at him, and threw her arms out, accidently knocking the coffee cup over, causing it to spill over his papers.

Sonny stood up pickly and threw the pencil down. “Ah, Jesus! That took all night to write, Cass!” He picked up the papers and tried to shake the liquid into the trash bin beside the desk, before glaring at her.

“Well, maybe if you weren’t such an asshole, it wouldn’t have happened. I said ‘sorry,’ and I don’t even have anything to apologize for to begin with! “ She yelled back, taking a step towards him. 

He angrily towered over her, but she stood her ground as his eyes burned into her. Fin whistled and laughed.  
“Nevermind, seems like you guys are already married.”

“Hey, woah, okay!” Rollins said holding up her hands. “What is going on?”

“Carisi. Morgan. My office. NOW.” Liv called from her office doorway. Everyone turned and the room was silent. Cassandra glanced around noticing the other officers, not in her squad were all staring at her and Carisi. 

 

The door to Liv’s office shut behind them and she walked around her desk and took a seat, looking at the two detective’s in front of her with disbelief.

“Is there something I need to know about between you two?” Benson asked them.

“Boss, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make a scene, the coffee spilled, and I overreacted.” Carisi replied.

Cassandra stared at him for a second, not sure why he was taking the blame. “I-I uh, overreacted, too. Sorry, Liv.”

Olivia stayed silent for a moment, then looked over at Carisi. “Carisi, can you step out for a minute?” 

He hesitated at first but nodded and walked out, making a last glance at Cassandra before shutting the door. Olivia’s eyes shifted to Cassandra.

“I heard the whole arguement.”

“Liv, I don’t know what he was talking about with Barba. I only offered to go because Rollins-”

“I know.” Liv replied in a serious tone.

“Huh? No, Carisi’s just being a-”

“I know about you and Barba.” Live interrupted with a sigh.

Cassandra didn’t say anything and pursed her lips. She didn’t want to start talking to be cut off again. Plus, she’d probably dig herself into a deeper hole. How did Liv find out so quick? And it wasn’t some kind of office romance anyways, she didn’t even know what it was, herself.

“You didn’t think I’d catch on with you always jumping at the opportunities to go to the DA’s office?” She asked with a smile in her eyes.

“I was...just being helpful. I’m still new, and trying to fit in.” Cassandra felt her heart beating hard in her chest.

Liv shook her head. “Barba and I are close. He may be smooth in the courtroom, but not when it comes to asking about my newest detective.” She finally smiled, and laughed lightly. “I can’t say I’ve never had relations with anyone I work with, but it’s not easy. And you have to be more careful about it. I don’t want it to get in the way, do you understand?” 

Her expression became serious again, and Cassandra decided not to fight. She just nodded and forced herself to make eye contact.

“You can go get that warrant from Barba, and keep it work related.”

She waved her hand playfully, and Cassandra smiled, turning to leave. 

“Morgan.” Liv started, “Fix things with your partner. That’s an order.”

“Yes, Lieutenant.” Cassandra replied, stepping out of the office. 

 

Cassandra walked back over to Carisi, who seemed to have cleaned the mess up. She saw the rest of the team had left already, too.

“Come on, we have to go to Barba’s office.” She said crossing her arms.

“I’m invited on your date this time?” He said sneering at her.

“Shutup, let’s go.” She replied, not wanting to confront him in the precinct again.

 

They pulled up to the DA’s building in the work SUV, and Carisi didn’t budge from the driver’s seat when she got out of the vehicle. She rolled her eyes and assumed she was on her own, so she proceeded to the building.

Walking in, she saw Carmen at her desk again, and was greeted with a friendly, surprised smile. She was told to go ahead, and she walked into Barba’s office, seeing him at his desk. He was in a white shirt and black suspenders, hair neatly done, as always. Her cheeks felt hot as she remembered last night’s encounter on his desk.

“Ms Morgan.” Barba said, looking up from his papers. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” He asked flicking a brow. He pushed back in his chair, and looked her over. He sat with his legs spread out, and a smirk on his lips.

“I’m afraid I’m not here for pleasure, Rafael, I’m here for a warrant. For a case, actually.” She said flirtatiously.

“You still remember my name the following morning, that’s a good sign. A warrant. I actually have that on the way, Rollins stopped by a few minutes ago. Beat you to it.” He said amusingly.

“Oh, what a wasted trip then.” She said smirking. “Well, listen, can I ask you a few questions?”

“Does it have to do with the case, Detective?” He asked, toying with her.

“You know it doesn’t.” She replied.

“Then, I’m afraid I can’t answer those for you.”

“Raf- Barba. I’m being serious.” She said, slightly annoyed. She knew they were working, but she had so many questions she needed answered. She was glad, however, that he wasn’t ignoring her presence like before.

“You know what? I do have something for you.” He said, reaching into a drawer on his desk, and handing her a folded piece of paper.

“Check that over and make sure it’s correct. I’ll see you later, Detective.” He said,dismissively.

She walked out of the office and shoved the paper into her coat pocket. She would have to wait for a chance to be alone before she could look at it. Sliding back into the SUV, Sonny was staring out the drivers window, not even acknowledging her presence. 

“In and out in under 5 minutes, is that considered a quickie?” He asked disgustedly.

“Carisi-”

“Where’s the warrant? Isn’t that what we came here for?” He glanced at her from the corner of his eye, and he was biting his thumb nail, out of frustration.

“Rollins came and got it a few minutes before us.” Cassandra replied quickly.

Carisi scoffed, and sat up in his seat abruptly. “Then why are we even here? You must’ve really needed to talk to him.”

“Carisi! Can we talk about this?” She pleaded.

“What’s there to talk about? Huh?” He asked angrily, glaring at her.

“Look, Liv asked me to fix things with you-”

He rolled his eyes and swung his head away from her direction, and reached to put the car in drive. “Oh, so now you only care about my feelings because you were ordered too? You know what, Cass-”

“SONNY!” She yelled putting her hand firmly over his, so he didn’t get a chance to move the car. He threw her a warning glance and she pulled her hand away quickly.

“I-I’m sorry. Look, please. I really care about your feelings.”

“You called me an asshole earlier.” He said bitterly, and his face softened. She could tell underneath all the anger, he was really just...heartbroken.

“I know. I didn’t mean it. If anyone’s an asshole...it’s me.” She swallowed back the lump in her throat, and tried not to make eye contact.

He must not realize how shattering it was for her to see the sadness in his light blue eyes. The way they looked glazed over, as if he was about to cry.

“Why do you hate him?” She asked, her voice soft.

“Why do you love him?” He replied slightly harsh, and then he sighed. “I don’t hate him. I envy him.” His voice equally soft now.

A silence fell over them for a minute, and she looked up at him to see if he would continue. She could barely stand looking at him, his face so full of sorrow. He licked his dry lips, and drew in a ragged breath.

“..I..I look up to Barba so much, y’know? He’s a great DA, confident, everyone respects him.” He paused, and exhaled a breathy laugh. “I’m just the guy who tries too hard to fit in.”

“Sonny..” She looked at him sullenly, brows furrowed.

“I just like you so much, and we always talked about you when I was supposed to be studying, I guess I just overreacted when you- I just thought you’d want to be with me. I don’t even know why I did, I’m not anything special.” He faced her now, but looked down, avoiding her stare.

She hadn’t seen this side of Sonny before. He was usually so happy, and joking around with everyone. She never would have guessed that under all that laughter, was someone broken. He had always joked about having a hard time fitting into the team, and even still ,not everyone took him seriously, but she hadn’t thought he took it to heart. She reached up to his face and cupped it in her hands.  
“Hey, you are something special. You’re my best friend. Basically my only friend. You’re a great detective, and you know how to make everyone happy, even when things are shit. Trust me, you don’t want to be in a relationship with me. Me and relationships….they just don’t mix. This thing with Barba? Whatever it is...I..I don’t even know what to make of it. For all I know, it’s going to blow up in my face, even more than it already has.”

He tried to look away from her but she held him still. Her eyes glanced down at his lips, and she swallowed nervously before looking back at his eyes. “I love you, Sonny, but I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you.” She pushed back a strand of his hair that had fallen loose, and kissed him on his forehead.

He closed his eyes and sighed, as she dropped her hands from his face. He sat back in his seat and wiped his eyes quickly, while laughing nervously. “I think I just got dumped and we weren’t even together.”

“Don’t.”

He turned his head towards her, as he sat slumped in his seat. “What?”

“Don’t do that. Make a joke out of it. Please.” She asked softly.

“Yeah...Yeah I’m sorry. It’s just something I do-”

“You don’t have to do it with me. You don’t have to pretend. Whatever you feel, you’re allowed to feel.” She felt her heart drop in her chest saying those words. They were words she had always wanted someone to tell her. How hypocritical of her to be telling someone else to do something, she didn’t even follow.

“You,too. I mean, you don’t have to. I may not agree with all your choices, but I’m here for you, Cass.” He said, with his eyebrows raised. She saw that familiar twinkle in his eye come back, and she smiled at him. “And...I’m sorry. For everything. I should’ve just told you how I felt to begin with. Maybe..things would be different.”

She stared at him, as the thought came to mind. Would things have been different? If he had told her how he felt before that awkward first time in Barba’s office,would she be with him now? Either way, she would be in love with someone she wasn’t supposed to be in love with. Liv knowing about her and Barba was bad enough, but anyone else finding out? The whole thing could prove to be catastrophic. Would they send her back to LA? Back with her old squad? Worse, her old partner..?

Carisi clearing his throat interrupted her thoughts,” But, I’m here for you no matter what. You can bet I’ve got your back, partner.” He joked, playfully poking her with his elbow.

 

The ride back to the precinct went quickly, and it seemed like things between them were almost back to normal. Carisi blasted the radio while they were in a traffic jam, and they sang Adele’s “Rumour Has It” at the top of their lungs. Cassandra tried to ignore the awkward thoughts that came to mind from some of the lyrics.

_Rumour has it he’s the one I’m leaving you for._ She wondered if she would ever give up her relationship with Barba for Carisi. Looking at him now, singing off key, with that bright smile, and fingers tapping on the steering wheel, she couldn’t help wondering if she made a wrong decision in who to be with. Inside her chest, her heart felt like it was shattering, but she couldn’t show him that. Not after they had just cleared the fog between them. Her fingers rubbed against the folded note in her pocket from Barba, as she laughed at Carisi dancing in his seat.

 

They entered the precinct, laughing, and pushing each other like kids. The rest of the squad were standing in the middle of the desks chatting, and looked up when they approached.

“Marriage counselling working out for you two?” Fin joked.

“Fin..” Liv said in a serious tone. “Glad to see you guys have things sorted. I’ll be in my office if anyone needs me. Good job Fin, Rollins.”

Liv made her way to her office, laughing to herself over the craziness of her squad.

“You guys missed the arrest, Fin and I were right about the boyfriend. Found the murder weapon hidden in his apartment.” Rollins spoke up.

Carisi tilted his head and put his hands on his hips. “Man,I was so sure it was the best friend this time around.” 

“Well, you were wrong.” Rollins replied harshly. “You guys could’ve been here to see the confession, but you were out messing around.” 

Carisi put his hands up in surrender and turned to walk towards the vending machine area. Cassandra threw a glare at Rollins, and Fin raised his eyebrows as he walked away, knowing drama was about to go down.

“Why do you have to be so rude to him? Can’t you treat him like a person?” She spit out at Rollins.

“Oh, you mean you want me to do what you do? Lead him on?” She replied condescendingly. 

“Excuse me?” Cassandra replied in disbelief.

“Don’t act like you don’t see it. Everyone does. He follows you like a puppy more than he does with Barba. He’s constantly seeking your approval, and you just throw him a bone once in awhile, flirt, and leave him believing he has a chance. You want to tell me how to treat him? At least I’m straightforward with _my_ feelings.” She grabbed her coat and walked off, leaving Cassandra with tear filled eyes. 

 

She made her way to the bathrooms and sat in a stall,burying her head in her hands sniffling. It seemed like she went from being a solid part of the team, to being almost alienated within the last few weeks. She knew Rollins was right, and she shouldn’t have lead Carisi on for so long. She didn’t even mean too, but she couldn’t help the part of her that did have feelings for him. She wiped away the tears streaming from her eyes, and pulled out the note in her pocket. She unfolded it and ran her eyes over the words.

“Same place, same time? Let’s talk.

-Rafael “

She realized he must’ve not wanted any actual records of their conversations, in fear of getting caught. Probably why he rarely replied to her texts. She wondered what he wanted to talk about, since they’d barely ever had a long conversation without interruptions. She felt confused, and wasn’t sure about her feelings for Barba. Carisi had asked why she loved him, and she wasn’t sure if she really did, anymore, if she ever was sure. Every conversation, or interaction with him felt distant. Except for last night in his office. 

She stood up and crumpled the paper, throwing it in the toilet. As she flushed it down, her mind swirled as much as the water. She really hoped meeting him again that night could answer some of her questions, for her own sake. It seemed she grew more unsure of her own intentions with each passing day.


End file.
